Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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