I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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