WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
