I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
