That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
We need a shit load of segways right now
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
