I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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