i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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