saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
