I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
he fucked my hip out of place.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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