I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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