She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Enjoy the penises
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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