At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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