T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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