but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
