my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I woke up under a house in Key West
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