i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
