I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
