dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
