Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
