yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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