Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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