I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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