Plan B is the new Plan A
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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