I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
