So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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