Of course we end up in a gay bar... And I have to tell you there are some hot dudes here, should I pass around your Facebook?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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