I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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