His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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