hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
