I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
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