I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
