i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
