Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
