Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize