someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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