so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Randomize
