Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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