This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
