i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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