I just pynch a tree in the face
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize