We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
