dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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