ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
