i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
