We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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