So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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