made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
