i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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