3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
