Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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