Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
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