and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
