fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
