What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
where are my eyebrows?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
