I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
