Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
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