No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
