a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
