If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She told me I should be a condom model.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Randomize
