And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
